Perhaps the waiting is the hardest part... at least for someone who possesses as little patience as I do. Yesterday I had yet another d&c so my endometrial lining could be biopsied, again. This time it was to evaluate how well I responded to a 6 month hormone therapy that was intended to halt recurrent growth of pre-cancerous tissue. It is a sad thing to realize that even this drastic measure is just intended to "buy time", and that these treatments aren't a cure. Hopefully... prayerfully... they are enough to allow us a window of opportunity to try for more kids. And we have learned that at this point, we cannot rely on science to "boost our chances", because my condition is exponentially worsened by use of fertility drugs.
It is (as it always has been) in God's hands.
So, we pray... as we always have, but perhaps with a deeper understanding that we cannot "make it happen". We have drawn our line in the sand... if the biopsy is questionable then we proceed with a hysterectomy; if it is favorable, we have a little fun and hope for the best... We won't know until my follow-up appointment just how long we can go until needing to follow up with another biopsy. But, as long as I can keep my womb I have hope that it could happen. I'm still younger than Sarah! And, at this ripe old age (43) I'm hoping for just one more pregnancy (for twins) before this season comes to an end. It is a bold thing to ask, but I will ask it just the same, knowing my God is able to do even more than I would dare to ask (Ephe 3:20).
We'll see what comes next, but I one thing I know for sure, God is there with me and His plan is for my best, even if it does not unfold in the way I think I would prefer.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Remarkably Unremarkable Mother's Day
True confession: for years I have dreaded Mother's Day. And not just the day itself, this dread would begin a couple weeks before the holiday and intensify until the day had passed. The last 2 years seemed to be something of a temporary reprieve with Little Bit in tow and everyone universally wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day", with only a few people tacking on something like, "tho you're not really a mom". So, now that our family has noticably shrunk, I had to wonder, "what would this Mother's day bring?"
Last week I received prayer at church for on-going medical issues and strange new side effects I've experienced while on meds that I've taken before. I didn't think too much about it afterward, but am now remembering that one of my pastors specifically prayed that I would have peace.
The week before Mother's Day passed quickly, and though I was keenly aware the day was coming, the familiar torment didn't arrive on its usual schedule. I'm sure it didn't hurt that I had plenty to keep busy with, and was starting to think that must be why this year was going so well... but, in all reality, I know the depths of my hurt and the seeming torture it has been in years past to simply walk in the doors of church and hear well-meaning folks say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you're not a mother". I know just how often I've had to bite my tongue and not make some angry reply about just how many children I've lost. Then, I would have to walk past the usher handing moms a flower, and listen to a message about how much honor and praise these women deserve. Since Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, it's been a long-held temptation to skip church, but that's not something I feel comfortable doing either.
For me Mother's Day wasn't about Moms, and in a way it wasn't about me either, but the day had strangely morphed into a type of Memorial Day in which the loss of each child would come crashing back to overwhelm me anew.
This year, it wasn't about me, it wasn't about my children in heaven, it wasn't about Little Bit (whose parents have cut off contact with us), it wasn't about mourning my losses. It became a day that was about our Moms. We planned time with each of our Moms, we cooked a meal for each of them and spend time with them and just enjoyed being with them and getting to spoil them a little. It was just the right way to spend the weekend and seemed to be the perfect way to bless our 2 Moms.
I don't know how things will go with the passage of time, but I do know this, we are in that peaceful eye in the middle of a storm. We are in the midst of this time when we have suffered loss in the generation ahead of us (Sweet Baboo's Dad has been gone just one month) and the generation to follow (we miss Little Bit more than mere words could ever convey); yet in the middle of all this, the Lord has graciously bestowed that peace which surpasses our understanding and bears us through.
Last week I received prayer at church for on-going medical issues and strange new side effects I've experienced while on meds that I've taken before. I didn't think too much about it afterward, but am now remembering that one of my pastors specifically prayed that I would have peace.
The week before Mother's Day passed quickly, and though I was keenly aware the day was coming, the familiar torment didn't arrive on its usual schedule. I'm sure it didn't hurt that I had plenty to keep busy with, and was starting to think that must be why this year was going so well... but, in all reality, I know the depths of my hurt and the seeming torture it has been in years past to simply walk in the doors of church and hear well-meaning folks say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you're not a mother". I know just how often I've had to bite my tongue and not make some angry reply about just how many children I've lost. Then, I would have to walk past the usher handing moms a flower, and listen to a message about how much honor and praise these women deserve. Since Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, it's been a long-held temptation to skip church, but that's not something I feel comfortable doing either.
For me Mother's Day wasn't about Moms, and in a way it wasn't about me either, but the day had strangely morphed into a type of Memorial Day in which the loss of each child would come crashing back to overwhelm me anew.
This year, it wasn't about me, it wasn't about my children in heaven, it wasn't about Little Bit (whose parents have cut off contact with us), it wasn't about mourning my losses. It became a day that was about our Moms. We planned time with each of our Moms, we cooked a meal for each of them and spend time with them and just enjoyed being with them and getting to spoil them a little. It was just the right way to spend the weekend and seemed to be the perfect way to bless our 2 Moms.
I don't know how things will go with the passage of time, but I do know this, we are in that peaceful eye in the middle of a storm. We are in the midst of this time when we have suffered loss in the generation ahead of us (Sweet Baboo's Dad has been gone just one month) and the generation to follow (we miss Little Bit more than mere words could ever convey); yet in the middle of all this, the Lord has graciously bestowed that peace which surpasses our understanding and bears us through.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Transitions of Life
Today was a momentous day, though it started just as many others we've lived lately. I got up early to drive my Sweet Baboo to work, so I could have the car to go on a long-overdue visit to see my dear friend K. K and I have talked quite a bit over the last few years about the growing recognition that our parents will not be with us as long as we would like... and that we are more and more frequently noticing the evidence of their aging. While visiting with her (and hoping to bring her some encouragement in light of a health issue her Mom is currently recovering from) I received a call from my Sweet Baboo... his Mom came home from work today to discover Dad had passed away (apparently in his sleep).
As I drove back into town to pick up Sweet Baboo at work so we could go be with the family, my mind was a jumble of thoughts and feelings. We have been married for 21 years & I have known Sweet Baboo's family for 31 years. In fact, I was calling my mother-in-law "Mom" before I even met SB, as she was the mother of one of my best junior-high friends (Baboo's little brother)! Mom has been struggling with Dad's declining health for the last couple of years and has been transitioning the household in various ways to accomodate his growing lack of mobility, his struggles with negative emotions, and increasing needs for medical assistance.
They were married 47 years. There were many times that life was difficult for them, many battles that seemed impossible to deal with. Many, many times that others would have given up... In a way, this is a reminder that I "married well". Now, I clearly married for love, not for money... but I "married well" in joining a family that knows the meaning of commitment, and has demonstrated sacrificial love in a million little ways over many years.
Sweet Baboo and I have been dealing with heightened emotions as part of the transition of no longer having a child at home, so are having a little difficulty dealing with this additional loss. It's still not really "real" to us... though the reality is inescapable looking into the eyes of his Mom, who is at a loss for what she should be doing right now and is even more bewildered about what changes she will need to make as time goes on.
As I drove back into town to pick up Sweet Baboo at work so we could go be with the family, my mind was a jumble of thoughts and feelings. We have been married for 21 years & I have known Sweet Baboo's family for 31 years. In fact, I was calling my mother-in-law "Mom" before I even met SB, as she was the mother of one of my best junior-high friends (Baboo's little brother)! Mom has been struggling with Dad's declining health for the last couple of years and has been transitioning the household in various ways to accomodate his growing lack of mobility, his struggles with negative emotions, and increasing needs for medical assistance.
They were married 47 years. There were many times that life was difficult for them, many battles that seemed impossible to deal with. Many, many times that others would have given up... In a way, this is a reminder that I "married well". Now, I clearly married for love, not for money... but I "married well" in joining a family that knows the meaning of commitment, and has demonstrated sacrificial love in a million little ways over many years.
Sweet Baboo and I have been dealing with heightened emotions as part of the transition of no longer having a child at home, so are having a little difficulty dealing with this additional loss. It's still not really "real" to us... though the reality is inescapable looking into the eyes of his Mom, who is at a loss for what she should be doing right now and is even more bewildered about what changes she will need to make as time goes on.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Love and Loss
Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose... only [upon] the Beloved who will never pass away. C. S. Lewis
It's been a little over 2 months now since our Little Bit moved out to go live with his parents and older sister. The days go quickly at times (could it really be 2 months already) and drag on in empty monotony other times. There's plenty to do, of course, we are still both involved with many activities at church and there are a lot of things around the house that have been "back burnered" for the last 2 years while we "played house". We go back and forth between enjoying some more uninterrupted time together (we've never dated so often!) and throwing ourselves into work & activities to keep our minds (even temporarily) off the fact that the house seems so empty without toys scattered through the rooms. Even Lilypad seems to be having a little trouble adjusting.
In the midst of loss though, there is love. I have found my Sweet Baboo to be a treasure in his love and support and consideration of my sometimes persistent melancholy. My church family has been nearer and dearer than ever before. And, my Lord, has been so utterly true to His promise to "never leave me or forsake me" that I have found, even in these difficulties, I am more sure of my faith in Him than ever before. It's funny how life can prove the truth of Scriptures over and over, as I'm realizing that He has turned even this for my good (Romans 8).
It's been a little over 2 months now since our Little Bit moved out to go live with his parents and older sister. The days go quickly at times (could it really be 2 months already) and drag on in empty monotony other times. There's plenty to do, of course, we are still both involved with many activities at church and there are a lot of things around the house that have been "back burnered" for the last 2 years while we "played house". We go back and forth between enjoying some more uninterrupted time together (we've never dated so often!) and throwing ourselves into work & activities to keep our minds (even temporarily) off the fact that the house seems so empty without toys scattered through the rooms. Even Lilypad seems to be having a little trouble adjusting.
In the midst of loss though, there is love. I have found my Sweet Baboo to be a treasure in his love and support and consideration of my sometimes persistent melancholy. My church family has been nearer and dearer than ever before. And, my Lord, has been so utterly true to His promise to "never leave me or forsake me" that I have found, even in these difficulties, I am more sure of my faith in Him than ever before. It's funny how life can prove the truth of Scriptures over and over, as I'm realizing that He has turned even this for my good (Romans 8).
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