Exhaustion versus “Life, the Universe, & Everything”

Those who know me well know that, unlike Lilypad the Beagle, I am not a true optimist. I can, occasionally, see the good in difficulty & will once in a while have the grace to believe the best about someone's motives when things don't seem right... but, those are not my natural tendencies. By nature, I am somewhat cynical & distrusting, negative & moody. If it weren't for God in my life, I know these would be the characteristics everyone would see in me all the time.

I am wondering… how much of my current view of the world is tainted by exhaustion? I am beat-down, dragging myself along, on the verge of tears exhausted… and I realize this is a fairly common condition for parents of 3-month old babies. Now, those who have followed this blog know that “my” baby is actually a “loaner” while his parents deal with some critical issues at home – and I’m still working full time at an under-staffed not-for-profit entity while caring for him.

As I continue in this state of exhaustion, I’ve come to realize that things get worse when I consider all the things I can’t keep up with. My viewpoint becomes more negative. I feel like an utter, abysmal failure at home (because I can’t keep up with my housework, haven’t cooked many decent meals in the last couple months), at my marriage (because I can’t devote as much time & effort), at my job (because I’m constantly distracted by Little Bit’s need for food, cuddles, & dry diapers – so fall behind on projects & work a lot of overtime trying to make up for it), in mothering (because Little Bit is stuck at the office even longer & gets distracted attention from me while I’m on the phone or working on things), and at life in general (because I’m not keeping up with daily disciplines, am having some health issues & I don’t see things changing any time soon).

A good friend emailed me some encouraging scriptures she received in an email (from John Piper’s ministry “Desiring God”) the other day as a reminder to seek the Lord & to trust Him. It was good medicine to help counteract all the troubles I am most likely to dwell upon. Here are several that may encourage you too:

Promises of Answered Prayer to Encourage Us to Pray with Hope

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart,”

Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

Isaiah 65:24 “Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.”

Lamentations 3:25 “The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”

Psalm 145:18-19 “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.”

James 4:8 “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”

Psalm 37:4-5 “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.”

Psalm 50:15 “Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

what am I doing up at this crazy hour?

I have to ask myself "what are you still doing up at this crazy hour?"... I'm tired, the baby's asleep, Sweet Baboo is almost ready to turn in... and yet my mind is going a mile a minute thinking about all the things tomorrow will hold. It's occurring to me that having 2 diet pepsis with dinner tonight after 3 weeks of almost no caffeine was not one of my better choices... and, I have to admit that I'm actually a little nervous about a medical test I'm going to have. I believe the Lord healed me already, but doc is diligent and insisting on a larger-sample test to make sure problems haven't reoccured. This is where the rubber meets the road in my walk of faith - trusting the Lord loves me and has my best interests in mind, no matter what doc has to say.

God is good, all the time, no matter what.

Obstacles

"There may be a big obstacle to joy in your path today. How do you get past it?"
question posted by Revive Our Hearts daily devotional email 11/28/08

A quick thought today. I was telling my Mom about how awake Little Bit has been all day long & how I'm hoping that means he'll sleep well tonight. Maybe Lilypad the Eternal Optimist is rubbing off on me... making such hopeful statements! Mom just gave a knowing little laugh... we both know there's no guarantee when it comes to babies sleeping at night, or for naps!

I will be the first to admit that I'm not a "morning person" and that I'm not generally a pleasant person until the first cup of coffee starts to take effect... so, everyone will understand a little grumping over lack of sleep, right? I mean, after all, I have a 2 month old at home! But, how much do I want to (or should I) rely on other people having the generosity of spirit required to overlook my lack-of-sleep-induced-moodiness?

Will I let lack of quality (or at least quantity) sleep effect the way I interact with family, friends, or strangers? Has it become an obstacle to my joy? I hope not, yet recognize the all-too-human tendency to focus on what we don't (or no longer) have - which, in my case, is uninterrupted sleep. God help me, I don't want to be "ruled" by how "well rested" I am, or any other changing circumstance of life. What I really want is to be a consistently dependable, mature, stable woman - one who, though not perfect, is growing more into the likeness of Christ. This really seems to be where self-control and temperance are useful tools!

So, do you have an obstacle to joy in your life? How are you battling it? Any suggestions for me? I have to suppose one good one is to finish this post & go to bed :~)

Emotions...

"Your heart is not the compass that God steers by." Samuel Rutherford

I got this quote from a quote-of-the-day email and it really got me thinking. It seems like my emotions can be all over the place... and what a twisted, up & down, jumbled path I would be on if I allowed my life to be directed by those fleeting thoughts of anger, jealousy, pride and lust that sometimes occur.

When I was younger I often gave way to the "firey Irish red-head" that lurks within... My fits of anger were rough on everyone - including me, as shame would drive me to avoid whoever I blew up at most recently! or, worse yet, I would continue to feed the flame of my anger against them for not agreeing with me, or not letting me have my way, or not living up to my ideals (not that I did!), or, heaven forbid, doing something in any other way except the way I asked for it to be done... It didn't matter if I was wrong, if your way was better, if we did it my way the previous dozen times & so it was your turn - what mattered was that I was in control of when & how things happened, and was also in control of the results.

Isn't it funny how a little maturity & experience changes the way we look at things? Control... well, what was left of it, clearly went out the window when Little Bit arrived in our little home. Now I'm on someone else's schedule, putting their needs (and often meals) ahead of my own. Don't get me wrong, the "firey Irish red-head" still makes an occassional appearance, but thankfully she doesn't come by as often & tends to leave much quicker. I'd like to believe she's been tamed, but know that's just my pride talking... I still have a long way to go, but I like to think I'm a little easier to live with, and if that's the case, it's gotta be because God's changing me.