Obstacles

"There may be a big obstacle to joy in your path today. How do you get past it?"
question posted by Revive Our Hearts daily devotional email 11/28/08

A quick thought today. I was telling my Mom about how awake Little Bit has been all day long & how I'm hoping that means he'll sleep well tonight. Maybe Lilypad the Eternal Optimist is rubbing off on me... making such hopeful statements! Mom just gave a knowing little laugh... we both know there's no guarantee when it comes to babies sleeping at night, or for naps!

I will be the first to admit that I'm not a "morning person" and that I'm not generally a pleasant person until the first cup of coffee starts to take effect... so, everyone will understand a little grumping over lack of sleep, right? I mean, after all, I have a 2 month old at home! But, how much do I want to (or should I) rely on other people having the generosity of spirit required to overlook my lack-of-sleep-induced-moodiness?

Will I let lack of quality (or at least quantity) sleep effect the way I interact with family, friends, or strangers? Has it become an obstacle to my joy? I hope not, yet recognize the all-too-human tendency to focus on what we don't (or no longer) have - which, in my case, is uninterrupted sleep. God help me, I don't want to be "ruled" by how "well rested" I am, or any other changing circumstance of life. What I really want is to be a consistently dependable, mature, stable woman - one who, though not perfect, is growing more into the likeness of Christ. This really seems to be where self-control and temperance are useful tools!

So, do you have an obstacle to joy in your life? How are you battling it? Any suggestions for me? I have to suppose one good one is to finish this post & go to bed :~)

Emotions...

"Your heart is not the compass that God steers by." Samuel Rutherford

I got this quote from a quote-of-the-day email and it really got me thinking. It seems like my emotions can be all over the place... and what a twisted, up & down, jumbled path I would be on if I allowed my life to be directed by those fleeting thoughts of anger, jealousy, pride and lust that sometimes occur.

When I was younger I often gave way to the "firey Irish red-head" that lurks within... My fits of anger were rough on everyone - including me, as shame would drive me to avoid whoever I blew up at most recently! or, worse yet, I would continue to feed the flame of my anger against them for not agreeing with me, or not letting me have my way, or not living up to my ideals (not that I did!), or, heaven forbid, doing something in any other way except the way I asked for it to be done... It didn't matter if I was wrong, if your way was better, if we did it my way the previous dozen times & so it was your turn - what mattered was that I was in control of when & how things happened, and was also in control of the results.

Isn't it funny how a little maturity & experience changes the way we look at things? Control... well, what was left of it, clearly went out the window when Little Bit arrived in our little home. Now I'm on someone else's schedule, putting their needs (and often meals) ahead of my own. Don't get me wrong, the "firey Irish red-head" still makes an occassional appearance, but thankfully she doesn't come by as often & tends to leave much quicker. I'd like to believe she's been tamed, but know that's just my pride talking... I still have a long way to go, but I like to think I'm a little easier to live with, and if that's the case, it's gotta be because God's changing me.

My Sweet Baboo

This is my favorite picture... my Sweet Baboo holding Little Bit.

It's been a long wait for a baby to arrive in the R household! We've just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. There have been ups & downs, which is true of any couple that's been married for more than a month! Our journey toward temporary parenthood is an unusual one. We have lost 4 children to miscarriage (the most recent one only 18 months ago), had 2 birth moms change their minds about letting us adopt their babies, been thru several unsuccessful rounds of fertility drugs & have had 2 unprompted offers to surrogate for us (though we don't feel this is the right choice for us & our lawyer agrees!). So taking in a baby who we're 99% sure we won't get to keep is a highly emotional thing for us.

Little Bit is now 7 1/2 weeks old & will have lived with us for 1 month tomorrow (already!)... he is clearly running the show, much to Lilypad the Beagle's chagrin. As you can guess from the pic, my Sweet Baboo has fallen in love with Little Bit, as have I. He is the source of much joy & cause of much exhaustion! One day he'll also be the cause of much heartbreak... but let's not think about that until we have to!

One totally awesome thing that's happened in the last month is that I've developed a far deeper love and respect for my dear hubby. He is always ready to take the baby & does the middle of the night feeding every day, he's shown incredible concern for me and has been so wonderfully flexible about meal times, eating fast food more often than either of us likes & just generally picking up the slack on household stuff I haven't been able to keep up with. I am blessed beyond measure and wanted to let the world know one of the great things I've learned so far on this parenting adventure. He's terrific! and he's Mine!

To Blog or Not to Blog

I’m rather new to this adventure and sometimes wonder - just what should go into my blog? What I’m willing to write varies based on the audience – is it for “my eyes only”, something I’d share with a few close friends, or one of those rare thoughts that I’m willing to share with the whole world. I’m still very conscious of the fact that whatever I post is potentially global knowledge…

So what would my family be embarrassed by? What would reflect poorly upon my job? My church? Christianity in general? Myself? Am I willing to put my self on the line and share my foibles in the hope that it will help someone else? I’ve certainly had more than a few…

• people I hurt & can’t ask forgiveness from because they are out of my life and I have no way of reaching out to them,
• mistakes I’ve made and tried (unsuccessfully) to cover up – which only made them worse,
• Hurts I’ve held on to,
• Allowing myself to wallow in self-pity when things didn’t turn out the way I expected them to,
• Doubts I allowed to creep in because I failed to reinforce my faith by spending time in the Bible,
• Time I’ve wasted in foolishness when I could have been investing it by helping other people or in worship & further developing my relationship with God.

But really, aren’t these things indicative of the human condition? Don’t they just prove the Bible true when it says “All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him.” (Isaiah 53:6, NAS) I’ve certainly strayed, and am glad that He’s made a way to return to the sheepfold.

The Eternal Optimist

Lilypad the Beagle is the eternal optimist... every time she walks into the kitchen she checks her food bowl & the bowl where "people food" is sometimes generously dispensed. Why does this make her an optimist? Because she checks it EVERY time! Maybe this time something will magically appear in the bowl... I know I looked just a couple minutes ago, but maybe now there's something! Maybe this time! Maybe when I get back inside from the yard!

How often do I diligently look to be blessed? If I look and don't find the "blessing" this time, will I keep looking? or will I simply walk away in disappointment? will I look a couple times, then give up? If I don't get just the blessing I looked for, but find some other item left in my bowl, will I receive it with gratitude? or simply bemoan the fact that it's not what I asked for?

Lilypad wants everything she sees me eat, but as her loving Mommy I know she can't have everything I can. While I enjoy chocolate, it could kill her... and there are other foods that would make her sick or gassy and I don't want her to suffer. (My precious puppy & I have a deal. When she turns 12, then she can have some coffee... I'm hoping the bribery pays off & that she has a really long life :~)

So, the lesson is, when the Lord doesn't give me exactly what I request, I need to trust that His love for me exceeds my love for the puppy and that He knows what is best for me.

Quote of the Day

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain." -- C. S. Lewis

As I consider the challenges I've taken on lately, this quote gives special comfort. GOD KNEW the heartache, the exhaustion, the joys, the difficulties that would all be wrapped up in us taking in a precious baby boy while his parents dealt with some critical issues. We are glad for the opportunity, yet exhausted in the day-by-day transformation that a newborn brings to our otherwise quiet abode.

Baby's nickname is "Little Bit" (B.I.T. = Beagle in Training). I'm not sure his parents would appreciate the comparison to our lovable dog (the formerly spoiled only "child" of the household), but we've noted a few ways they are alike. They both seem to want to eat all the time when they are awake, they are both very cuddly, neither one speaks in terms we can clearly understand, they don't have much patience for waiting, and they both give us rather quizzical looks when we try to reason with them... but the likeness between 6 week old boys & 5 year old beagles pretty much ends there - except we love them both LOTS!

So, tribulation? Well, increased coffee dependency created by lack of sleep is a small price to pay... heck, every parent of a newborn goes through that! Our trial is of a different nature, as we love this child who we will some day have to give back to his parents. We have known from the beginning that there would be heartache at the end of this journey. We anticipate it, we are not blind to the fact that it's lurking around the corner.

Why do it then? Why not let someone else "handle it"? Would you believe it's because of Christ? He knew the heartache I would cause Him. I've not faithfully followed Him every day of this new life He's so graciously given me. I have, time and again, fallen into various sins... through my own willful, pitiful choices... and He knew I would! He knew I would break His heart, that I would turn my back, AND YET HE CHOSE ME! He chose to love me, to adopt me into His family, at great cost to Himself - even though He knew I would do things that would hurt Him. If He was willing to pay so great a price for me, how can I not follow His example and do the same? Even though it will break my heart, there will be joy to see a family reunited, to see a baby grow up knowing he is loved and valued, and that he has a unique destiny from God.

Why this Title?

Any kid who has been in my Sunday school class can tell you that I'm a teacher wannabe... and that they reap the "benefits" in the form of pop quizzes and final exams! I really don't think they can complain too much though... judge for yourself, the last question of the 2007-8 final exam for pre-teens was: "True or False, pepperoni pizza is clearly superior to cheese pizza." Of course, we had to have pizza of each variety to assess which was the correct answer!

But, really, I don't intend for this post to be all about me... I believe God is the ultimate "Pop Quiz Giver" and that He's orchestrated the circumstances in my life to test me and see how I'm doing on this life-long journey of learning. He already knows the answer to that question, but sometimes the "quiz" of the day opens my eyes to what I'm really thinking or believing... and whether or not it's right.

In college I took a class called "Methods of Secondary Education". One night in class the professor asked each student, "How do you learn?" One by one, my classmates gave up the textbook answers, "I read the material, then re-read it, then do the assigned questions" and other such tried-and-true methods. When the prof got to me, he gave me "the look", which seemed to acknowledge that he expected me to come out with something different (a reasonable expectation based on everything he had witnessed from me in the class thus far), and I responded, "I learn the hard way... every time".

So, that's the premise of this post. A ground for me to share the latest quizzes and tests dished out in my crazy life - and perhaps it will help someone else avoid "learning the hard way... every time". And, maybe, it'll give someone an opportunity to consider what God really hopes to find when He gives those tests...