Perhaps the waiting is the hardest part... at least for someone who possesses as little patience as I do. Yesterday I had yet another d&c so my endometrial lining could be biopsied, again. This time it was to evaluate how well I responded to a 6 month hormone therapy that was intended to halt recurrent growth of pre-cancerous tissue. It is a sad thing to realize that even this drastic measure is just intended to "buy time", and that these treatments aren't a cure. Hopefully... prayerfully... they are enough to allow us a window of opportunity to try for more kids. And we have learned that at this point, we cannot rely on science to "boost our chances", because my condition is exponentially worsened by use of fertility drugs.
It is (as it always has been) in God's hands.
So, we pray... as we always have, but perhaps with a deeper understanding that we cannot "make it happen". We have drawn our line in the sand... if the biopsy is questionable then we proceed with a hysterectomy; if it is favorable, we have a little fun and hope for the best... We won't know until my follow-up appointment just how long we can go until needing to follow up with another biopsy. But, as long as I can keep my womb I have hope that it could happen. I'm still younger than Sarah! And, at this ripe old age (43) I'm hoping for just one more pregnancy (for twins) before this season comes to an end. It is a bold thing to ask, but I will ask it just the same, knowing my God is able to do even more than I would dare to ask (Ephe 3:20).
We'll see what comes next, but I one thing I know for sure, God is there with me and His plan is for my best, even if it does not unfold in the way I think I would prefer.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Remarkably Unremarkable Mother's Day
True confession: for years I have dreaded Mother's Day. And not just the day itself, this dread would begin a couple weeks before the holiday and intensify until the day had passed. The last 2 years seemed to be something of a temporary reprieve with Little Bit in tow and everyone universally wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day", with only a few people tacking on something like, "tho you're not really a mom". So, now that our family has noticably shrunk, I had to wonder, "what would this Mother's day bring?"
Last week I received prayer at church for on-going medical issues and strange new side effects I've experienced while on meds that I've taken before. I didn't think too much about it afterward, but am now remembering that one of my pastors specifically prayed that I would have peace.
The week before Mother's Day passed quickly, and though I was keenly aware the day was coming, the familiar torment didn't arrive on its usual schedule. I'm sure it didn't hurt that I had plenty to keep busy with, and was starting to think that must be why this year was going so well... but, in all reality, I know the depths of my hurt and the seeming torture it has been in years past to simply walk in the doors of church and hear well-meaning folks say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you're not a mother". I know just how often I've had to bite my tongue and not make some angry reply about just how many children I've lost. Then, I would have to walk past the usher handing moms a flower, and listen to a message about how much honor and praise these women deserve. Since Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, it's been a long-held temptation to skip church, but that's not something I feel comfortable doing either.
For me Mother's Day wasn't about Moms, and in a way it wasn't about me either, but the day had strangely morphed into a type of Memorial Day in which the loss of each child would come crashing back to overwhelm me anew.
This year, it wasn't about me, it wasn't about my children in heaven, it wasn't about Little Bit (whose parents have cut off contact with us), it wasn't about mourning my losses. It became a day that was about our Moms. We planned time with each of our Moms, we cooked a meal for each of them and spend time with them and just enjoyed being with them and getting to spoil them a little. It was just the right way to spend the weekend and seemed to be the perfect way to bless our 2 Moms.
I don't know how things will go with the passage of time, but I do know this, we are in that peaceful eye in the middle of a storm. We are in the midst of this time when we have suffered loss in the generation ahead of us (Sweet Baboo's Dad has been gone just one month) and the generation to follow (we miss Little Bit more than mere words could ever convey); yet in the middle of all this, the Lord has graciously bestowed that peace which surpasses our understanding and bears us through.
Last week I received prayer at church for on-going medical issues and strange new side effects I've experienced while on meds that I've taken before. I didn't think too much about it afterward, but am now remembering that one of my pastors specifically prayed that I would have peace.
The week before Mother's Day passed quickly, and though I was keenly aware the day was coming, the familiar torment didn't arrive on its usual schedule. I'm sure it didn't hurt that I had plenty to keep busy with, and was starting to think that must be why this year was going so well... but, in all reality, I know the depths of my hurt and the seeming torture it has been in years past to simply walk in the doors of church and hear well-meaning folks say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you're not a mother". I know just how often I've had to bite my tongue and not make some angry reply about just how many children I've lost. Then, I would have to walk past the usher handing moms a flower, and listen to a message about how much honor and praise these women deserve. Since Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, it's been a long-held temptation to skip church, but that's not something I feel comfortable doing either.
For me Mother's Day wasn't about Moms, and in a way it wasn't about me either, but the day had strangely morphed into a type of Memorial Day in which the loss of each child would come crashing back to overwhelm me anew.
This year, it wasn't about me, it wasn't about my children in heaven, it wasn't about Little Bit (whose parents have cut off contact with us), it wasn't about mourning my losses. It became a day that was about our Moms. We planned time with each of our Moms, we cooked a meal for each of them and spend time with them and just enjoyed being with them and getting to spoil them a little. It was just the right way to spend the weekend and seemed to be the perfect way to bless our 2 Moms.
I don't know how things will go with the passage of time, but I do know this, we are in that peaceful eye in the middle of a storm. We are in the midst of this time when we have suffered loss in the generation ahead of us (Sweet Baboo's Dad has been gone just one month) and the generation to follow (we miss Little Bit more than mere words could ever convey); yet in the middle of all this, the Lord has graciously bestowed that peace which surpasses our understanding and bears us through.
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Transitions of Life
Today was a momentous day, though it started just as many others we've lived lately. I got up early to drive my Sweet Baboo to work, so I could have the car to go on a long-overdue visit to see my dear friend K. K and I have talked quite a bit over the last few years about the growing recognition that our parents will not be with us as long as we would like... and that we are more and more frequently noticing the evidence of their aging. While visiting with her (and hoping to bring her some encouragement in light of a health issue her Mom is currently recovering from) I received a call from my Sweet Baboo... his Mom came home from work today to discover Dad had passed away (apparently in his sleep).
As I drove back into town to pick up Sweet Baboo at work so we could go be with the family, my mind was a jumble of thoughts and feelings. We have been married for 21 years & I have known Sweet Baboo's family for 31 years. In fact, I was calling my mother-in-law "Mom" before I even met SB, as she was the mother of one of my best junior-high friends (Baboo's little brother)! Mom has been struggling with Dad's declining health for the last couple of years and has been transitioning the household in various ways to accomodate his growing lack of mobility, his struggles with negative emotions, and increasing needs for medical assistance.
They were married 47 years. There were many times that life was difficult for them, many battles that seemed impossible to deal with. Many, many times that others would have given up... In a way, this is a reminder that I "married well". Now, I clearly married for love, not for money... but I "married well" in joining a family that knows the meaning of commitment, and has demonstrated sacrificial love in a million little ways over many years.
Sweet Baboo and I have been dealing with heightened emotions as part of the transition of no longer having a child at home, so are having a little difficulty dealing with this additional loss. It's still not really "real" to us... though the reality is inescapable looking into the eyes of his Mom, who is at a loss for what she should be doing right now and is even more bewildered about what changes she will need to make as time goes on.
As I drove back into town to pick up Sweet Baboo at work so we could go be with the family, my mind was a jumble of thoughts and feelings. We have been married for 21 years & I have known Sweet Baboo's family for 31 years. In fact, I was calling my mother-in-law "Mom" before I even met SB, as she was the mother of one of my best junior-high friends (Baboo's little brother)! Mom has been struggling with Dad's declining health for the last couple of years and has been transitioning the household in various ways to accomodate his growing lack of mobility, his struggles with negative emotions, and increasing needs for medical assistance.
They were married 47 years. There were many times that life was difficult for them, many battles that seemed impossible to deal with. Many, many times that others would have given up... In a way, this is a reminder that I "married well". Now, I clearly married for love, not for money... but I "married well" in joining a family that knows the meaning of commitment, and has demonstrated sacrificial love in a million little ways over many years.
Sweet Baboo and I have been dealing with heightened emotions as part of the transition of no longer having a child at home, so are having a little difficulty dealing with this additional loss. It's still not really "real" to us... though the reality is inescapable looking into the eyes of his Mom, who is at a loss for what she should be doing right now and is even more bewildered about what changes she will need to make as time goes on.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Love and Loss
Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose... only [upon] the Beloved who will never pass away. C. S. Lewis
It's been a little over 2 months now since our Little Bit moved out to go live with his parents and older sister. The days go quickly at times (could it really be 2 months already) and drag on in empty monotony other times. There's plenty to do, of course, we are still both involved with many activities at church and there are a lot of things around the house that have been "back burnered" for the last 2 years while we "played house". We go back and forth between enjoying some more uninterrupted time together (we've never dated so often!) and throwing ourselves into work & activities to keep our minds (even temporarily) off the fact that the house seems so empty without toys scattered through the rooms. Even Lilypad seems to be having a little trouble adjusting.
In the midst of loss though, there is love. I have found my Sweet Baboo to be a treasure in his love and support and consideration of my sometimes persistent melancholy. My church family has been nearer and dearer than ever before. And, my Lord, has been so utterly true to His promise to "never leave me or forsake me" that I have found, even in these difficulties, I am more sure of my faith in Him than ever before. It's funny how life can prove the truth of Scriptures over and over, as I'm realizing that He has turned even this for my good (Romans 8).
It's been a little over 2 months now since our Little Bit moved out to go live with his parents and older sister. The days go quickly at times (could it really be 2 months already) and drag on in empty monotony other times. There's plenty to do, of course, we are still both involved with many activities at church and there are a lot of things around the house that have been "back burnered" for the last 2 years while we "played house". We go back and forth between enjoying some more uninterrupted time together (we've never dated so often!) and throwing ourselves into work & activities to keep our minds (even temporarily) off the fact that the house seems so empty without toys scattered through the rooms. Even Lilypad seems to be having a little trouble adjusting.
In the midst of loss though, there is love. I have found my Sweet Baboo to be a treasure in his love and support and consideration of my sometimes persistent melancholy. My church family has been nearer and dearer than ever before. And, my Lord, has been so utterly true to His promise to "never leave me or forsake me" that I have found, even in these difficulties, I am more sure of my faith in Him than ever before. It's funny how life can prove the truth of Scriptures over and over, as I'm realizing that He has turned even this for my good (Romans 8).
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
What the Lord's Been Encouraging Me With Lately
As Little Bit's visits & overnight visits with his parents have increased in frequency, it is very easy to give in to discouragement. I know that the impending transition out of my arms and into the family he was born to is not any reflection upon my "parenting abilities" or lack thereof... it is more a reflection of his parents' progress in doing all the courts have demanded of them. Does it look like a joyful thing to me? No. I am glad for them that they are free from drugs & alcohol and that they seem to have their mental illnesses in better check, but they are far from the stable influence I would want in his life... and already struggling with his older siblings... BUT MY GOD is worthy of my trust. We have given Little Bit over to His care and direction time and again, so must accept that even this is part of a heavenly plan for his life, even if it appears to be less than ideal in so many ways.
Over the last 2 months, the Lord has continually directed my thoughts toward 1 Samuel. Hannah prayed for a son for many years, finally had one, then weaned him & presented him to the Lord at the temple. Eli, the priest, had 2 older sons who were living lives of wicked abandon – it was publically known that they were robbing the offerings, sleeping with the women in the temple & threatening people to have their own way with things. Eli was turning his head the other way, not correcting or punishing them for their misdeeds, he was a lousy dad & an even worse priest. And yet, Samuel was brought to him to raise! Look, Samuel prospered in all that he did BECAUSE the LORD had His hand upon him.
That same God, who met Samuel in the midst of a corrupt household & made him into a powerful man of God, loves my Little Bit more than I do, more than I ever could. He has His hand upon Little Bit to complete His good plan for his life. I don’t know that my involvement in his life will be any greater than Hannah’s as the years go by (providing a new robe when she went for the yearly offerings at the temple). It is quite possible they will leave town & I will never see him again. It is their stated intent to do so… but even if they pull stakes and relocate to the ends of the earth, they can no sooner derail the claim the Lord has on this little one than Eli's family could with Samuel.
I KNOW that the Lord has a destiny for Little Bit that far outshines my imagination and my hopes for him. I KNOW that he will come to a saving knowledge of Christ, and quite possibly despite his circumstances. This is my declaration of faith in my God who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more beyond what I would dare to hope or dream.
There are bound to be dark valleys that I walk between now and the end of this journey. In wisdom, my Sweet Baboo and I are investing ourselves even more fully in our relationship with each other and in our close friendships with those we know are ready with a shoulder to cry on and a reminder that the Lord has been cultivating fruit in our lives over these last 2 years with Little Bit. We wouldn't trade this time with our special boy for anything, even being spared the heartache that is bound to ensue.
Over the last 2 months, the Lord has continually directed my thoughts toward 1 Samuel. Hannah prayed for a son for many years, finally had one, then weaned him & presented him to the Lord at the temple. Eli, the priest, had 2 older sons who were living lives of wicked abandon – it was publically known that they were robbing the offerings, sleeping with the women in the temple & threatening people to have their own way with things. Eli was turning his head the other way, not correcting or punishing them for their misdeeds, he was a lousy dad & an even worse priest. And yet, Samuel was brought to him to raise! Look, Samuel prospered in all that he did BECAUSE the LORD had His hand upon him.
That same God, who met Samuel in the midst of a corrupt household & made him into a powerful man of God, loves my Little Bit more than I do, more than I ever could. He has His hand upon Little Bit to complete His good plan for his life. I don’t know that my involvement in his life will be any greater than Hannah’s as the years go by (providing a new robe when she went for the yearly offerings at the temple). It is quite possible they will leave town & I will never see him again. It is their stated intent to do so… but even if they pull stakes and relocate to the ends of the earth, they can no sooner derail the claim the Lord has on this little one than Eli's family could with Samuel.
I KNOW that the Lord has a destiny for Little Bit that far outshines my imagination and my hopes for him. I KNOW that he will come to a saving knowledge of Christ, and quite possibly despite his circumstances. This is my declaration of faith in my God who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more beyond what I would dare to hope or dream.
There are bound to be dark valleys that I walk between now and the end of this journey. In wisdom, my Sweet Baboo and I are investing ourselves even more fully in our relationship with each other and in our close friendships with those we know are ready with a shoulder to cry on and a reminder that the Lord has been cultivating fruit in our lives over these last 2 years with Little Bit. We wouldn't trade this time with our special boy for anything, even being spared the heartache that is bound to ensue.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thoughts on Beauty
Good friends of mine have started an outreach to pre-teen & teenage girls. It's exciting & everyone involved is a buzz with the creative energy that often accompanies new projects. I'm not directly working with the group, as much as a "support" person for them, and I still find myself thinking about their "stuff" quite a bit these days. The group is starting out with discussions on the theme of beauty, so I thought I would put some of my own thoughts down and ask for yours too :~)
I might have a different eye for beauty than the average American consumer, as my idea of beauty is not entirely devoted to the shiny & new, the latest fashion, or the popular ideas of the day (not that I'm some sort of hippie!) I follow the styles closely enough to not stick out & embarrass my friends and family, but not so closely that it's impossible to shop at Goodwill.
What do you find beautiful? Here are some of the things that thrill my heart:
I might have a different eye for beauty than the average American consumer, as my idea of beauty is not entirely devoted to the shiny & new, the latest fashion, or the popular ideas of the day (not that I'm some sort of hippie!) I follow the styles closely enough to not stick out & embarrass my friends and family, but not so closely that it's impossible to shop at Goodwill.
What do you find beautiful? Here are some of the things that thrill my heart:
- Watching my parents walking hand-in-hand. They'll celebrate their 50th anniversary next year and are already excitedly considering just how to commemorate the occasion!
- The look of quiet confidence and joy in my husband's eyes when I tell him "I love you" for about the millionth time!
- Seeing Little Bit finally settle in to a nap in my arms, forehead damp with fever, tear stains on his cheeks, but at peace with Mama.
- The little white spot on Lilypad's head that I'm sure Jesus put there as an indication that Mama should give her kisses, right there.
- Catching my good friend being kissed by her husband when they first arrived somewhere separately and didn't know I was watching.
- Seeing an older woman friend reach out & help others, while never letting on just how exhausted she is; just so she can be "Jesus' hands" in touching people's lives.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Testing the Limits
Last night Little Bit stood in front of me while I was seated in my favorite living room recliner and was playing his "so big" game. He loves to put his hands up hi to signal that he is "so big" and has started doing it with one hand when holding on to something in a standing position. He's gotten really good at standing with just one hand holding on & can switch back and forth pretty easily now. Last night he started to test the limits. Right hand up, Left hand up, BOTH hands up! He wobbled a little bit, caught himself on my knees and proceeded to try it again and again.
I wonder just how often my Father God looks at me standing around, holding on to various types of "support", waiting to gather up the nerve to let go and stand on my own 2 feet without the props I would usually use (my knowledge, my experience, my maturity (haha)...). I can imagine a very happy Dad watching His little girl learning to do something new, something He's known she could do, but she needed to discover for herself was actually possible... and had to step out in faith to accomplish.
I wonder just how often my Father God looks at me standing around, holding on to various types of "support", waiting to gather up the nerve to let go and stand on my own 2 feet without the props I would usually use (my knowledge, my experience, my maturity (haha)...). I can imagine a very happy Dad watching His little girl learning to do something new, something He's known she could do, but she needed to discover for herself was actually possible... and had to step out in faith to accomplish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
