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The Waiting is the Hardest Part?

2011-06-14T16:51:00.005-04:00

Perhaps the waiting is the hardest part... at least for someone who possesses as little patience as I do. Yesterday I had yet another d&c so my endometrial lining could be biopsied, again. This time it was to evaluate how well I responded to a 6 month hormone therapy that was intended to halt recurrent growth of pre-cancerous tissue. It is a sad thing to realize that even this drastic measure is just intended to "buy time", and that these treatments aren't a cure. Hopefully... prayerfully... they are enough to allow us a window of opportunity to try for more kids. And we have learned that at this point, we cannot rely on science to "boost our chances", because my condition is exponentially worsened by use of fertility drugs.

It is (as it always has been) in God's hands.

So, we pray... as we always have, but perhaps with a deeper understanding that we cannot "make it happen". We have drawn our line in the sand... if the biopsy is questionable then we proceed with a hysterectomy; if it is favorable, we have a little fun and hope for the best... We won't know until my follow-up appointment just how long we can go until needing to follow up with another biopsy. But, as long as I can keep my womb I have hope that it could happen. I'm still younger than Sarah! And, at this ripe old age (43) I'm hoping for just one more pregnancy (for twins) before this season comes to an end. It is a bold thing to ask, but I will ask it just the same, knowing my God is able to do even more than I would dare to ask (Ephe 3:20).

We'll see what comes next, but I one thing I know for sure, God is there with me and His plan is for my best, even if it does not unfold in the way I think I would prefer.

My Remarkably Unremarkable Mother's Day

2011-05-08T23:09:00.005-04:00

True confession: for years I have dreaded Mother's Day. And not just the day itself, this dread would begin a couple weeks before the holiday and intensify until the day had passed. The last 2 years seemed to be something of a temporary reprieve with Little Bit in tow and everyone universally wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day", with only a few people tacking on something like, "tho you're not really a mom". So, now that our family has noticably shrunk, I had to wonder, "what would this Mother's day bring?"

Last week I received prayer at church for on-going medical issues and strange new side effects I've experienced while on meds that I've taken before. I didn't think too much about it afterward, but am now remembering that one of my pastors specifically prayed that I would have peace.

The week before Mother's Day passed quickly, and though I was keenly aware the day was coming, the familiar torment didn't arrive on its usual schedule. I'm sure it didn't hurt that I had plenty to keep busy with, and was starting to think that must be why this year was going so well... but, in all reality, I know the depths of my hurt and the seeming torture it has been in years past to simply walk in the doors of church and hear well-meaning folks say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you're not a mother". I know just how often I've had to bite my tongue and not make some angry reply about just how many children I've lost. Then, I would have to walk past the usher handing moms a flower, and listen to a message about how much honor and praise these women deserve. Since Mother's Day is always on a Sunday, it's been a long-held temptation to skip church, but that's not something I feel comfortable doing either.

For me Mother's Day wasn't about Moms, and in a way it wasn't about me either, but the day had strangely morphed into a type of Memorial Day in which the loss of each child would come crashing back to overwhelm me anew.

This year, it wasn't about me, it wasn't about my children in heaven, it wasn't about Little Bit (whose parents have cut off contact with us), it wasn't about mourning my losses. It became a day that was about our Moms. We planned time with each of our Moms, we cooked a meal for each of them and spend time with them and just enjoyed being with them and getting to spoil them a little. It was just the right way to spend the weekend and seemed to be the perfect way to bless our 2 Moms.

I don't know how things will go with the passage of time, but I do know this, we are in that peaceful eye in the middle of a storm. We are in the midst of this time when we have suffered loss in the generation ahead of us (Sweet Baboo's Dad has been gone just one month) and the generation to follow (we miss Little Bit more than mere words could ever convey); yet in the middle of all this, the Lord has graciously bestowed that peace which surpasses our understanding and bears us through.

The Transitions of Life

2011-04-04T22:35:00.003-04:00

Today was a momentous day, though it started just as many others we've lived lately. I got up early to drive my Sweet Baboo to work, so I could have the car to go on a long-overdue visit to see my dear friend K. K and I have talked quite a bit over the last few years about the growing recognition that our parents will not be with us as long as we would like... and that we are more and more frequently noticing the evidence of their aging. While visiting with her (and hoping to bring her some encouragement in light of a health issue her Mom is currently recovering from) I received a call from my Sweet Baboo... his Mom came home from work today to discover Dad had passed away (apparently in his sleep).

As I drove back into town to pick up Sweet Baboo at work so we could go be with the family, my mind was a jumble of thoughts and feelings. We have been married for 21 years & I have known Sweet Baboo's family for 31 years. In fact, I was calling my mother-in-law "Mom" before I even met SB, as she was the mother of one of my best junior-high friends (Baboo's little brother)! Mom has been struggling with Dad's declining health for the last couple of years and has been transitioning the household in various ways to accomodate his growing lack of mobility, his struggles with negative emotions, and increasing needs for medical assistance.

They were married 47 years. There were many times that life was difficult for them, many battles that seemed impossible to deal with. Many, many times that others would have given up... In a way, this is a reminder that I "married well". Now, I clearly married for love, not for money... but I "married well" in joining a family that knows the meaning of commitment, and has demonstrated sacrificial love in a million little ways over many years.

Sweet Baboo and I have been dealing with heightened emotions as part of the transition of no longer having a child at home, so are having a little difficulty dealing with this additional loss. It's still not really "real" to us... though the reality is inescapable looking into the eyes of his Mom, who is at a loss for what she should be doing right now and is even more bewildered about what changes she will need to make as time goes on.

Love and Loss

2011-03-06T23:47:00.003-05:00

Do not let your happiness depend on something you may lose... only [upon] the Beloved who will never pass away. C. S. Lewis

It's been a little over 2 months now since our Little Bit moved out to go live with his parents and older sister. The days go quickly at times (could it really be 2 months already) and drag on in empty monotony other times. There's plenty to do, of course, we are still both involved with many activities at church and there are a lot of things around the house that have been "back burnered" for the last 2 years while we "played house". We go back and forth between enjoying some more uninterrupted time together (we've never dated so often!) and throwing ourselves into work & activities to keep our minds (even temporarily) off the fact that the house seems so empty without toys scattered through the rooms. Even Lilypad seems to be having a little trouble adjusting.

In the midst of loss though, there is love. I have found my Sweet Baboo to be a treasure in his love and support and consideration of my sometimes persistent melancholy. My church family has been nearer and dearer than ever before. And, my Lord, has been so utterly true to His promise to "never leave me or forsake me" that I have found, even in these difficulties, I am more sure of my faith in Him than ever before. It's funny how life can prove the truth of Scriptures over and over, as I'm realizing that He has turned even this for my good (Romans 8).

What the Lord's Been Encouraging Me With Lately

2010-10-20T21:29:00.003-04:00

As Little Bit's visits & overnight visits with his parents have increased in frequency, it is very easy to give in to discouragement. I know that the impending transition out of my arms and into the family he was born to is not any reflection upon my "parenting abilities" or lack thereof... it is more a reflection of his parents' progress in doing all the courts have demanded of them. Does it look like a joyful thing to me? No. I am glad for them that they are free from drugs & alcohol and that they seem to have their mental illnesses in better check, but they are far from the stable influence I would want in his life... and already struggling with his older siblings... BUT MY GOD is worthy of my trust. We have given Little Bit over to His care and direction time and again, so must accept that even this is part of a heavenly plan for his life, even if it appears to be less than ideal in so many ways.

Over the last 2 months, the Lord has continually directed my thoughts toward 1 Samuel. Hannah prayed for a son for many years, finally had one, then weaned him & presented him to the Lord at the temple. Eli, the priest, had 2 older sons who were living lives of wicked abandon – it was publically known that they were robbing the offerings, sleeping with the women in the temple & threatening people to have their own way with things. Eli was turning his head the other way, not correcting or punishing them for their misdeeds, he was a lousy dad & an even worse priest. And yet, Samuel was brought to him to raise! Look, Samuel prospered in all that he did BECAUSE the LORD had His hand upon him.

That same God, who met Samuel in the midst of a corrupt household & made him into a powerful man of God, loves my Little Bit more than I do, more than I ever could. He has His hand upon Little Bit to complete His good plan for his life. I don’t know that my involvement in his life will be any greater than Hannah’s as the years go by (providing a new robe when she went for the yearly offerings at the temple). It is quite possible they will leave town & I will never see him again. It is their stated intent to do so… but even if they pull stakes and relocate to the ends of the earth, they can no sooner derail the claim the Lord has on this little one than Eli's family could with Samuel.

I KNOW that the Lord has a destiny for Little Bit that far outshines my imagination and my hopes for him. I KNOW that he will come to a saving knowledge of Christ, and quite possibly despite his circumstances. This is my declaration of faith in my God who is able to do exceedingly abundantly more beyond what I would dare to hope or dream.

There are bound to be dark valleys that I walk between now and the end of this journey. In wisdom, my Sweet Baboo and I are investing ourselves even more fully in our relationship with each other and in our close friendships with those we know are ready with a shoulder to cry on and a reminder that the Lord has been cultivating fruit in our lives over these last 2 years with Little Bit. We wouldn't trade this time with our special boy for anything, even being spared the heartache that is bound to ensue.

Thoughts on Beauty

2010-06-29T17:45:00.003-04:00

Good friends of mine have started an outreach to pre-teen & teenage girls. It's exciting & everyone involved is a buzz with the creative energy that often accompanies new projects. I'm not directly working with the group, as much as a "support" person for them, and I still find myself thinking about their "stuff" quite a bit these days. The group is starting out with discussions on the theme of beauty, so I thought I would put some of my own thoughts down and ask for yours too :~)

I might have a different eye for beauty than the average American consumer, as my idea of beauty is not entirely devoted to the shiny & new, the latest fashion, or the popular ideas of the day (not that I'm some sort of hippie!) I follow the styles closely enough to not stick out & embarrass my friends and family, but not so closely that it's impossible to shop at Goodwill.

What do you find beautiful? Here are some of the things that thrill my heart:

Watching my parents walking hand-in-hand. They'll celebrate their 50th anniversary next year and are already excitedly considering just how to commemorate the occasion!
The look of quiet confidence and joy in my husband's eyes when I tell him "I love you" for about the millionth time!
Seeing Little Bit finally settle in to a nap in my arms, forehead damp with fever, tear stains on his cheeks, but at peace with Mama.
The little white spot on Lilypad's head that I'm sure Jesus put there as an indication that Mama should give her kisses, right there.
Catching my good friend being kissed by her husband when they first arrived somewhere separately and didn't know I was watching.
Seeing an older woman friend reach out & help others, while never letting on just how exhausted she is; just so she can be "Jesus' hands" in touching people's lives.

I think most of my stuff boils down to (what I hope is) an improved paraphrase of a movie quote, "Beauty is, as Beauty does".

Testing the Limits

2010-06-24T12:01:00.002-04:00

Last night Little Bit stood in front of me while I was seated in my favorite living room recliner and was playing his "so big" game. He loves to put his hands up hi to signal that he is "so big" and has started doing it with one hand when holding on to something in a standing position. He's gotten really good at standing with just one hand holding on & can switch back and forth pretty easily now. Last night he started to test the limits. Right hand up, Left hand up, BOTH hands up! He wobbled a little bit, caught himself on my knees and proceeded to try it again and again.

I wonder just how often my Father God looks at me standing around, holding on to various types of "support", waiting to gather up the nerve to let go and stand on my own 2 feet without the props I would usually use (my knowledge, my experience, my maturity (haha)...). I can imagine a very happy Dad watching His little girl learning to do something new, something He's known she could do, but she needed to discover for herself was actually possible... and had to step out in faith to accomplish.

Preaching to Myself

2010-06-16T11:29:00.003-04:00

I recently shared some thoughts to encourage a friend, and found that the Lord was using my own words to speak to me about something I was struggling with! So, I thought I'd put those thoughts here, as a reminder to myself, and perhaps an encouragement to anyone who happens across this entry:

The Lord is faithful! I have been recently meditating on a verse my old college pastor shared the last time he visited my current church, “God is good and He does good”.

I'm also thinking about Philippians 4:4-9 (ESV) “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

The Lord knows that our minds tend to go to “unhealthy places” if left to their own devices (I am speaking from 42 years of experience here!), but if we are to worship Him with all our hearts, all our souls, all our strength & all our MINDS then we need to discipline our thoughts. The devil would love to keep you & me trapped in all the “what ifs” and trying to figure our way out of them… I won’t burden you with my latest batch of them… but we are to “Rejoice in the Lord” - it doesn’t say “rejoice in your circumstances” the Lord knows the circumstances aren’t always lovely… but we can still REJOICE in His presence, in His promises, in His faithfulness, in His care for us, in His ability to carry us though – He is the God of the entire universe, yet He cares for you, and knows the number of hairs on your head (and has adjusted the count to subtract the few you’ve pulled out during this recent trial!). If we think on these lovely, excellent, praise-worthy things, then the God of peace will be with us – and that’s what we really need! His presence and His peace – great promises! AND, isn’t it wonderful that He thought to promise them long before we even realized we would need them :~) We’ve got a good Dad – He is good & He does good!

less of me, MORE of HIM

2010-06-10T10:59:00.004-04:00

It's been quite a while since I've taken the time to blog, or taken the time for many of the things I enjoy doing. Life is good, life is busy, life is tiring... but that's the life of a mom :~)

Little Bit has had his share of ups & downs. My last blog was written shortly after we started a real roller-coaster of him getting bronchitis every 4 weeks! He'd have about 2 good weeks when he would start eating again & be a happy little boy... then the cough would start up, and the congestion would worsen, until we reached the point that he was bad enough to get extra medication (and another round of antibiotics) to help knock it down. He's now 20 months old. We've now been through 8 rounds of bronchitis, 3 upper respiratory infections, 2 sinus infections, 2 ear infections, roseola, and have cut our first 3 molars.

It's not all bad, though, there have been good reports too. The second hole in his heart closed up (miraculously), so he not only escaped surgery, but the cardiologist said his heart is "completely normal & he doesn't need to come back to see us any longer". He had bronchitis far less often this winter than last. He's adjusting well to his hearing aids (which he's had for a year now). He's made great progress with self-feeding and is almost off baby food. And, his eye doctor said he found no signs of any of the eye problems that are typically associated with Down's Syndrome!

Little Bit is a happy-go-lucky guy most of the time, and is a real flirt any time a pretty girl (of any age) is in the vicinity! At 20 months he is still not standing alone or walking. He doesn't crawl, but scoots very quickly - and can often make it across the room to dump out the dog's water dish before I can catch him! He enjoys trying things for himself, and has some very strong likes & dislikes - especially with food. His personality is really starting to come forth & he can be quite strong willed, and is starting to get frustrated when he's not understood.

Through all my interactions with dear Little Bit, I'm really starting to understand that we are all born heathens... and would remain that way if God didn't have mercy on us! Training this special child to do the right thing & obey parents and teachers has been a wonderful reminder that the Lord has exhibited great patience with me... and that I need to set the same example, of a loving but firm parent who wants the best for my child. Sometimes that includes saying "no" repeatedly when he's really determined to do something that I don't want him to do, and having to repeat the same lesson later the same day... he'll get it eventually!

Thankfully, he is getting a lot of therapy to help him and has a teacher of the deaf working with him every week. Sweet Baboo & I both know some sign language and were thrilled when Little Bit started signing "amen" at the end of grace. He's starting to pick up on the fact that he can talk with his hands, so we're hoping it will help him communicate with us. He loves to tease Sweet Baboo by signing "Mama" to him instead of "Dada"... of course, at this point "Mama" means Mama or Dada, it means I want to be picked up, I want more of that food, Please pay attention to me, etc. Amazing how one word can convey so much meaning :~)

Little Bit's parents have been making progress in recovering from their addictions and trying to establish a stable home environment in the hopes that they will be able to gain custody of him (which they lost at birth) and an older sibling. We expect that they will have visitation rights increased steadily over the next several months & that Little Bit may go to live with them by the end of the year. Their family still has a lot of issues to grapple with and will continue to have to deal with them for years to come.

My prayer through this journey is, "Lord, let whatever is best for Little Bit happen". It is easy to see what I think is best for me... who would ever wish to face the heartache of having a long-awaited child removed from their arms? And yet, it is what we agreed to at the very beginning, fully realizing that the Lord has done far more for us. How could we do anything less than what He's asked? We owe Him a debt of love.

In Sickness and in Health

2009-04-18T15:15:00.003-04:00

"do you take this man for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health..."

While we wrote our own vows for our ceremony, when Sweet Baboo & I attend a wedding, we inevitably hold hands, mouth the words of the traditional vows and give each other's hands a squeeze, reaffirming our commitment to each other. It is one of my favorite things about going to weddings - and while, the bride & grooom think it's their day, in some ways it is ours, our "first day of the rest of our lives" together.

In sickness and in health takes on such a different meaning when it's your baby who is sick. I don't know that I ever realized just how consuming it is to have a sick child. A few weeks ago Little Bit got what we assumed to be "just a cold", which included a very phlegmy cough. Suddenly the little boy who's been sleeping through the night consistently for a couple months was up during the night, coughing, crying, and sounding miserable... night after night I would pick him up and walk with him, then take him back to bed with me - where I could prop him on my arm to be sure his head remained elevated, and try to comfort the poor suffering kiddo.

The cold developed into bronchitis, so daycare was out, and we started into a busy week at work with a sick baby in tow, sleepless nights, more medications... when finally, mercifully, it broke. Little Bit & I enjoyed some much-needed sleep and started breathing easier. Sweet Baboo was wonderful throughout the ordeal, but at times it was obvious that Little Bit only wanted Mama.

I have never before realized just how much it takes out of a person to handle a sick child. With all Little Bit's health concerns (he has Downs, was born with 2 holes in his heart- 1 of which has closed, has a moderate hearing loss in one ear, has a herniated belly button, suffers ezcema, has been congested his whole life & may have some breathing issues), really, overall he's a happy baby and fairly healthy.

How do parents cope when their child is really ill? suffering for months? years? I can only think it's the grace of God that carried us through, and our battle was a short one... all things considered. I'm grateful to have come through the other side of this battle, but weary and a little sick myself. Thankfully the Lord is there for me in this too :~)

Running the Race... for the Next Generation

2009-03-16T11:05:00.008-04:00

This is all the inheritance I can give to my dear family. The religion of
Christ can give them one which will make them rich indeed.
- Patrick Henry

http://teampyro.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-dont-in-any-way-follow-football-but.html
I read this excellent blog, as recommended by a friend last week. It's pretty
convicting! The whole theme of the article is about following the Lord with
excellence. About running the race to win and how feeble efforts won't help us
successfully complete the race. In reading the article, I was convicted that
it's not just me that's effected by my poor discipline... what am I demonstrating
to Little Bit? Am I clearly showing that Jesus is worthy of my time, my effort,
my money? Am I demonstrating His love and care for the people around us? our
neighbors? folks at church? his parents?

We still don't know how long we'll have the privilege of raising this little one,
but no matter how long or short the time, he's clearly watching us now. He's very
interested in everything we do - and especially interested in watching everything
we eat :~) So, what is he watching? Does he see "parents" who love the Lord, worship,
treasure the Bible, and help others? If that's the kind of believer I want to be,
and the kind of believer I hope he will be when full grown then it's clear I need
to take my instruction from the Hebrew Sh'ma (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)
"Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD alone. And you must love the
LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And
you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you
today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you
are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and
when you are getting up again. Tie them to your hands as a reminder, and wear
them on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your
gates.

I'm Going Have to Stop Calling Him "Little Bit"

2009-01-31T17:08:00.005-05:00

He's growing up so fast! We started rice cereal on Tuesday & applesauce on Friday... and he's definitely acting like he would prefer to eat with a spoon all the time! Monday we'll try bananas... I just can't wait. This is a great adventure.

My sister-in-law gave us a Magic Bullet for Christmas. She made her own baby food for the girls when they were little & she thought we might enjoy trying it out. So, if anyone out there has any baby food making tips, please lay 'em on me!

The sad part of him growing so quickly is that we've come to the point when he will have to go into daycare. He's needing so much more attention than I can reasonably give him at work... and I guess I have to stop dragging my feet on the issue. We toured a place we like that is close to my office, has a caring staff & is part of the agency that provides Little Bit's speech therapy & physical therapy, so we believe they are better equipped to deal with his special needs than any number of other places might be.

One of the things I'm learning through all this is how to deal with unmet & unreasonable expectations... I swore I would NEVER put my kids in daycare & now find myself in the position of having to do it. I think this is the biggest thing holding me back from placing him - getting past the idea of someone else caring for "my" child and the very real probability that someone else will be the one to witness his "firsts"... Realistically, I should take all these feelings and use them as motivation to pray for his parents, who are missing ALL his "firsts"... after all, God wants to use all the situations in my life to make me more like Jesus, and caring about their needs is something He would do, right?

I Just Can't Wait...

2009-01-23T22:39:00.003-05:00

For a few weeks my mantra was "I just can't wait... until the holidays are over and I have some free time." Then Little Bit got sick and I started saying "I just can't wait... til he's less fussy and things get back to normal." And now I find myself thinking "I just can't wait... til all the extra hours to complete tax prep at church are over so Sweet Baboo and I can get home from work at a decent hour." It seems like I'm just living life in hope of tomorrow... and missing out on the here and now! I'm starting to realize the truth of the scripture,

James 4:13-15 Look here, you people who say, "Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year. We will do business there and make a profit." How do you know what will happen tomorrow? For your life is like the morning fog – it's here a little while, then it's gone. What you ought to say is, "If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that."

I keep thinking that I'll have more time to do housework, catch up on my reading, write something on my blog, finish that craft project, at some "magical" point in the future when whatever date has passed by, or when some hinderance has been removed, or I finally "feel" motivated :~) But, really the time to live life is now, in this moment & the Lord is looking to meet me in the midst of the holiday chaos, while I'm holding a sick baby, during tax prep, at all times!

And, isn't that the good news? That God doesn't wait until we have our acts together, but in His grace & mercy He reaches out to us where we are and chooses to call us to Himself. Thank God!

Exhaustion versus “Life, the Universe, & Everything”

2009-01-01T11:57:00.007-05:00

Those who know me well know that, unlike Lilypad the Beagle, I am not a true optimist. I can, occasionally, see the good in difficulty & will once in a while have the grace to believe the best about someone's motives when things don't seem right... but, those are not my natural tendencies. By nature, I am somewhat cynical & distrusting, negative & moody. If it weren't for God in my life, I know these would be the characteristics everyone would see in me all the time.

I am wondering… how much of my current view of the world is tainted by exhaustion? I am beat-down, dragging myself along, on the verge of tears exhausted… and I realize this is a fairly common condition for parents of 3-month old babies. Now, those who have followed this blog know that “my” baby is actually a “loaner” while his parents deal with some critical issues at home – and I’m still working full time at an under-staffed not-for-profit entity while caring for him.

As I continue in this state of exhaustion, I’ve come to realize that things get worse when I consider all the things I can’t keep up with. My viewpoint becomes more negative. I feel like an utter, abysmal failure at home (because I can’t keep up with my housework, haven’t cooked many decent meals in the last couple months), at my marriage (because I can’t devote as much time & effort), at my job (because I’m constantly distracted by Little Bit’s need for food, cuddles, & dry diapers – so fall behind on projects & work a lot of overtime trying to make up for it), in mothering (because Little Bit is stuck at the office even longer & gets distracted attention from me while I’m on the phone or working on things), and at life in general (because I’m not keeping up with daily disciplines, am having some health issues & I don’t see things changing any time soon).

A good friend emailed me some encouraging scriptures she received in an email (from John Piper’s ministry “Desiring God”) the other day as a reminder to seek the Lord & to trust Him. It was good medicine to help counteract all the troubles I am most likely to dwell upon. Here are several that may encourage you too:

Promises of Answered Prayer to Encourage Us to Pray with Hope

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart,”

Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
Isaiah 65:24 “Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.”
Lamentations 3:25 “The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”

Psalm 145:18-19 “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.”

James 4:8 “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.”

Psalm 37:4-5 “Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.”
Psalm 50:15 “Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Be Someone Else

2008-12-26T10:08:00.003-05:00

This is an email story that got me thinking...

Once upon a time there was a pastor of a church, and the church was dying. Fewer and fewer people came, got involved and gave, so the pastor decided to call it a day. He was going to close the doors of his church for good.
Before he did, he sent out an invitation to his congregation to come to the last service that would ever be held in the church. The pastor said it would be a memorial service, open casket.

This got the attention of the members, and word got out to the community as well, and when the day came for the last service, the church was overflowing. Standing room only.

Everyone was there looking at the front of the church at the open casket, wondering who was in it. People looked at one another taking inventory trying to figure who was missing and might be in the casket, at this the last service ever in the church.

The pastor began the service, and didn’t waste any time announcing who was in the casket. He said that the person in the casket had a name that was used every time he sought help. When he looked for Sunday School workers, this was the name he was told would do the job. When he asked for financial support to pay for the roof of the sanctuary to be repaired and re-shingled, he was given this name as the benefactor who would step forward. When he looked for small group leaders to start up a small group program, this was the most common name given to him to be such leaders.

“The name,” he announced in a loud voice, “is ‘Someone Else.’”

Someone Else can take care of teaching Sunday School and watching our babies.
Someone Else can give money to pay for the new roof.
Someone Else can lead the small groups.

Everyone in attendance was embarrassed; afraid to make eye contact with the pastor. They all looked down at the floor as he dismissed them. And as he dismissed them, he asked them to file by the coffin and identify who Someone Else was.

They did. Each and every person walked by the coffin and peeked in. When they did, they saw their own reflection in a mirror.

End of Story.

I got this story in an email from New Life Ministries in an email that was soliciting year-end donations, encouraging people to step forward & not wait for others to make a difference. It got me to thinking. What am I "assuming" will be done by "someone else"? and, am I the one who's supposed to do it? For years now my husband and I have struggled with this concept, the idea that "if I don't do it, who will?" Since we are both gifted in helps and administration, we have a relatively easy time identifying needs, and have often just plunged forward into "doing things" just because there was a need. I wonder where the balance is? If I do "everything" and don't let a need become known, am I denying someone else an opportunity to serve? Maybe it's not just about who "does" it, but about their attitude... If I do it, can I serve in whatever way with gladness? or will I do it grudgingly because "who else will?" and it "has to be done"... I'm thinking it all comes back to "What is the Lord asking ME to do?" versus what should I make known as a need for others to fill? This is a hard distinction for me to make, as I tend to be very "driven" to complete projects and tick items off a "to do" list. Leaving things unfinished or needs unfulfilled is such a challenge that I really have to wonder why - does it boil down to control? I have actually been told by one of my pastors that I can be "hyper responsible" (taking on tasks that aren't mine) and I have to stop and consider, has this caused me to not do "my" tasks quite as well, or in as timely a fashion?

Remembering that the Lord has only asked me to do what CAN be done with His help is a great start... remembering to ask what He wants me to do is the on-going challenge... I guess I thought I would be better at all this by now...

More Responsibility = Less Sin?

2008-12-14T22:33:00.002-05:00

I had a weird realization in the shower this morning. Little Bit has been with us for 2 months, as of tomorrow. And, I've sinned less since he's been here... well, at least in one area that I've struggled with on and off for years. I don't think he brought "deliverance" in his bag of baby stuff... but, rather, he's kept me too busy and too tired to get into trouble.

Now, I am being deliberately vague about this, for a few reasons:

pride (yup, don't want people to think ill of me),
common sense (it is not a specific "thou shalt not" type of sin, but rather something that I, personally, feel convicted about, though I have friends who think it's permissible)
and, I wonder if there might be a more universal truth at work here (proving the old saying "idle hands make devil's work").

This particular struggle is one that I have, in recent years, committed to keep accountable to my husband about. It seems that prior to taking communion most months (our church celebrates communion once a month), I find that I need to seek him out to confess my sin(s). Now, a more mature woman would probably run right to him and confess right away, you know, along the lines of "don't let the sun go down on your anger"... but, I'm generally too ashamed to do so. Yet, accountability demands of me that I keep clean accounts and the self-imposed deadline of Communion Sunday seems to keep me on track to make sure I don't let it go too terribly long without having the dreaded conversation.

So, I am thrilled that things have been going better, and amazed that I'm just noticing it, and thanking God that He's provided me with a great distraction from my own selfish thoughts and ways... Maybe I needed Little Bit as much as he needed me.

Raising Little Bit with Good Values

2008-12-10T11:17:00.004-05:00

We're not corrupting Little Bit if we encourage him to root for a really good football team, right? Even if we know his dad roots for a different team...

Rejoice with Me!

2008-12-10T11:07:00.000-05:00

Little Bit slept through the night for the first time last night!!!

what am I doing up at this crazy hour?

2008-12-08T01:08:00.002-05:00

I have to ask myself "what are you still doing up at this crazy hour?"... I'm tired, the baby's asleep, Sweet Baboo is almost ready to turn in... and yet my mind is going a mile a minute thinking about all the things tomorrow will hold. It's occurring to me that having 2 diet pepsis with dinner tonight after 3 weeks of almost no caffeine was not one of my better choices... and, I have to admit that I'm actually a little nervous about a medical test I'm going to have. I believe the Lord healed me already, but doc is diligent and insisting on a larger-sample test to make sure problems haven't reoccured. This is where the rubber meets the road in my walk of faith - trusting the Lord loves me and has my best interests in mind, no matter what doc has to say.

God is good, all the time, no matter what.

Protecting My Man

2008-12-03T22:31:00.002-05:00

Going into this latest adventure, my Sweet Baboo and I received some good counsel - to protect our hearts. Well, it seemed everyone was worried about me. How would I handle falling in love with a baby, then potentially giving him back to his parents? Just today (yes, 7 weeks later) it occurred to me... what about my hubby? I've been watching him, getting up in the wee hours of the morning, sending me out to the store to get a break from constant baby care, hugging & kissing this cute little boy... and it's pretty obvious that he's fallen in love. I can't blame him, I'm head-over-heels in love myself :~) So, while I was willing to "count the cost" and face heartbreak for myself, it's really bugging me that agreeing to do this might cause my Sweet Baboo heartbreak too... ouch, I would do anything not to hurt him, but now I realize it's too late for him not to get hurt. The one good thing is that when the time comes, we'll both be crying together, and there's no one I'd rather do absolutely anything with than my Sweet Baboo! Of course, there's also a tiny (maybe not too tiny) part of me that selfishly hopes that day never comes & that he can stay a member of the "R" household forever :~)

Obstacles

2008-11-28T23:10:00.003-05:00

"There may be a big obstacle to joy in your path today. How do you get past it?"
question posted by Revive Our Hearts daily devotional email 11/28/08

A quick thought today. I was telling my Mom about how awake Little Bit has been all day long & how I'm hoping that means he'll sleep well tonight. Maybe Lilypad the Eternal Optimist is rubbing off on me... making such hopeful statements! Mom just gave a knowing little laugh... we both know there's no guarantee when it comes to babies sleeping at night, or for naps!

I will be the first to admit that I'm not a "morning person" and that I'm not generally a pleasant person until the first cup of coffee starts to take effect... so, everyone will understand a little grumping over lack of sleep, right? I mean, after all, I have a 2 month old at home! But, how much do I want to (or should I) rely on other people having the generosity of spirit required to overlook my lack-of-sleep-induced-moodiness?

Will I let lack of quality (or at least quantity) sleep effect the way I interact with family, friends, or strangers? Has it become an obstacle to my joy? I hope not, yet recognize the all-too-human tendency to focus on what we don't (or no longer) have - which, in my case, is uninterrupted sleep. God help me, I don't want to be "ruled" by how "well rested" I am, or any other changing circumstance of life. What I really want is to be a consistently dependable, mature, stable woman - one who, though not perfect, is growing more into the likeness of Christ. This really seems to be where self-control and temperance are useful tools!

So, do you have an obstacle to joy in your life? How are you battling it? Any suggestions for me? I have to suppose one good one is to finish this post & go to bed :~)

Emotions...

2008-11-18T22:36:00.001-05:00

"Your heart is not the compass that God steers by." Samuel Rutherford

I got this quote from a quote-of-the-day email and it really got me thinking. It seems like my emotions can be all over the place... and what a twisted, up & down, jumbled path I would be on if I allowed my life to be directed by those fleeting thoughts of anger, jealousy, pride and lust that sometimes occur.

When I was younger I often gave way to the "firey Irish red-head" that lurks within... My fits of anger were rough on everyone - including me, as shame would drive me to avoid whoever I blew up at most recently! or, worse yet, I would continue to feed the flame of my anger against them for not agreeing with me, or not letting me have my way, or not living up to my ideals (not that I did!), or, heaven forbid, doing something in any other way except the way I asked for it to be done... It didn't matter if I was wrong, if your way was better, if we did it my way the previous dozen times & so it was your turn - what mattered was that I was in control of when & how things happened, and was also in control of the results.

Isn't it funny how a little maturity & experience changes the way we look at things? Control... well, what was left of it, clearly went out the window when Little Bit arrived in our little home. Now I'm on someone else's schedule, putting their needs (and often meals) ahead of my own. Don't get me wrong, the "firey Irish red-head" still makes an occassional appearance, but thankfully she doesn't come by as often & tends to leave much quicker. I'd like to believe she's been tamed, but know that's just my pride talking... I still have a long way to go, but I like to think I'm a little easier to live with, and if that's the case, it's gotta be because God's changing me.

My Sweet Baboo

2008-11-14T10:39:00.003-05:00

This is my favorite picture... my Sweet Baboo holding Little Bit.

It's been a long wait for a baby to arrive in the R household! We've just celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary. There have been ups & downs, which is true of any couple that's been married for more than a month! Our journey toward temporary parenthood is an unusual one. We have lost 4 children to miscarriage (the most recent one only 18 months ago), had 2 birth moms change their minds about letting us adopt their babies, been thru several unsuccessful rounds of fertility drugs & have had 2 unprompted offers to surrogate for us (though we don't feel this is the right choice for us & our lawyer agrees!). So taking in a baby who we're 99% sure we won't get to keep is a highly emotional thing for us.

Little Bit is now 7 1/2 weeks old & will have lived with us for 1 month tomorrow (already!)... he is clearly running the show, much to Lilypad the Beagle's chagrin. As you can guess from the pic, my Sweet Baboo has fallen in love with Little Bit, as have I. He is the source of much joy & cause of much exhaustion! One day he'll also be the cause of much heartbreak... but let's not think about that until we have to!

One totally awesome thing that's happened in the last month is that I've developed a far deeper love and respect for my dear hubby. He is always ready to take the baby & does the middle of the night feeding every day, he's shown incredible concern for me and has been so wonderfully flexible about meal times, eating fast food more often than either of us likes & just generally picking up the slack on household stuff I haven't been able to keep up with. I am blessed beyond measure and wanted to let the world know one of the great things I've learned so far on this parenting adventure. He's terrific! and he's Mine!

To Blog or Not to Blog

2008-11-14T00:01:00.001-05:00

I’m rather new to this adventure and sometimes wonder - just what should go into my blog? What I’m willing to write varies based on the audience – is it for “my eyes only”, something I’d share with a few close friends, or one of those rare thoughts that I’m willing to share with the whole world. I’m still very conscious of the fact that whatever I post is potentially global knowledge…

So what would my family be embarrassed by? What would reflect poorly upon my job? My church? Christianity in general? Myself? Am I willing to put my self on the line and share my foibles in the hope that it will help someone else? I’ve certainly had more than a few…

people I hurt & can’t ask forgiveness from because they are out of my life and I have no way of reaching out to them,
mistakes I’ve made and tried (unsuccessfully) to cover up – which only made them worse,
Hurts I’ve held on to,
Allowing myself to wallow in self-pity when things didn’t turn out the way I expected them to,
Doubts I allowed to creep in because I failed to reinforce my faith by spending time in the Bible,
Time I’ve wasted in foolishness when I could have been investing it by helping other people or in worship & further developing my relationship with God.

But really, aren’t these things indicative of the human condition? Don’t they just prove the Bible true when it says “All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him.” (Isaiah 53:6, NAS) I’ve certainly strayed, and am glad that He’s made a way to return to the sheepfold.

The Eternal Optimist

2008-11-11T23:16:00.005-05:00

Lilypad the Beagle is the eternal optimist... every time she walks into the kitchen she checks her food bowl & the bowl where "people food" is sometimes generously dispensed. Why does this make her an optimist? Because she checks it EVERY time! Maybe this time something will magically appear in the bowl... I know I looked just a couple minutes ago, but maybe now there's something! Maybe this time! Maybe when I get back inside from the yard!

How often do I diligently look to be blessed? If I look and don't find the "blessing" this time, will I keep looking? or will I simply walk away in disappointment? will I look a couple times, then give up? If I don't get just the blessing I looked for, but find some other item left in my bowl, will I receive it with gratitude? or simply bemoan the fact that it's not what I asked for?

Lilypad wants everything she sees me eat, but as her loving Mommy I know she can't have everything I can. While I enjoy chocolate, it could kill her... and there are other foods that would make her sick or gassy and I don't want her to suffer. (My precious puppy & I have a deal. When she turns 12, then she can have some coffee... I'm hoping the bribery pays off & that she has a really long life :~)

So, the lesson is, when the Lord doesn't give me exactly what I request, I need to trust that His love for me exceeds my love for the puppy and that He knows what is best for me.

Quote of the Day

2008-11-07T19:58:00.001-05:00

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain." -- C. S. Lewis

As I consider the challenges I've taken on lately, this quote gives special comfort. GOD KNEW the heartache, the exhaustion, the joys, the difficulties that would all be wrapped up in us taking in a precious baby boy while his parents dealt with some critical issues. We are glad for the opportunity, yet exhausted in the day-by-day transformation that a newborn brings to our otherwise quiet abode.

Baby's nickname is "Little Bit" (B.I.T. = Beagle in Training). I'm not sure his parents would appreciate the comparison to our lovable dog (the formerly spoiled only "child" of the household), but we've noted a few ways they are alike. They both seem to want to eat all the time when they are awake, they are both very cuddly, neither one speaks in terms we can clearly understand, they don't have much patience for waiting, and they both give us rather quizzical looks when we try to reason with them... but the likeness between 6 week old boys & 5 year old beagles pretty much ends there - except we love them both LOTS!

So, tribulation? Well, increased coffee dependency created by lack of sleep is a small price to pay... heck, every parent of a newborn goes through that! Our trial is of a different nature, as we love this child who we will some day have to give back to his parents. We have known from the beginning that there would be heartache at the end of this journey. We anticipate it, we are not blind to the fact that it's lurking around the corner.

Why do it then? Why not let someone else "handle it"? Would you believe it's because of Christ? He knew the heartache I would cause Him. I've not faithfully followed Him every day of this new life He's so graciously given me. I have, time and again, fallen into various sins... through my own willful, pitiful choices... and He knew I would! He knew I would break His heart, that I would turn my back, AND YET HE CHOSE ME! He chose to love me, to adopt me into His family, at great cost to Himself - even though He knew I would do things that would hurt Him. If He was willing to pay so great a price for me, how can I not follow His example and do the same? Even though it will break my heart, there will be joy to see a family reunited, to see a baby grow up knowing he is loved and valued, and that he has a unique destiny from God.

Why this Title?

2008-11-06T16:27:00.002-05:00

Any kid who has been in my Sunday school class can tell you that I'm a teacher wannabe... and that they reap the "benefits" in the form of pop quizzes and final exams! I really don't think they can complain too much though... judge for yourself, the last question of the 2007-8 final exam for pre-teens was: "True or False, pepperoni pizza is clearly superior to cheese pizza." Of course, we had to have pizza of each variety to assess which was the correct answer!

But, really, I don't intend for this post to be all about me... I believe God is the ultimate "Pop Quiz Giver" and that He's orchestrated the circumstances in my life to test me and see how I'm doing on this life-long journey of learning. He already knows the answer to that question, but sometimes the "quiz" of the day opens my eyes to what I'm really thinking or believing... and whether or not it's right.

In college I took a class called "Methods of Secondary Education". One night in class the professor asked each student, "How do you learn?" One by one, my classmates gave up the textbook answers, "I read the material, then re-read it, then do the assigned questions" and other such tried-and-true methods. When the prof got to me, he gave me "the look", which seemed to acknowledge that he expected me to come out with something different (a reasonable expectation based on everything he had witnessed from me in the class thus far), and I responded, "I learn the hard way... every time".

So, that's the premise of this post. A ground for me to share the latest quizzes and tests dished out in my crazy life - and perhaps it will help someone else avoid "learning the hard way... every time". And, maybe, it'll give someone an opportunity to consider what God really hopes to find when He gives those tests...